Am I Fucked Up Now?

The feeling of distant killing

indi.ca
6 min readMay 16, 2024
Dante and Virgil in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Gustave Doré, oil on canvas, 1861

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After scrolling past my thirtieth dead person of the day, I have to ask myself? Am I fucked up now? Is this getting to me? Seven (7) months of nonstop genocide, four (4) years of nonstop plague, plus just being fortysomething (41). At some point it adds up, but where is that point? How would I even know? If the world around you keeps getting worse, what does getting better even mean?

Krishna And The Taoists

We’re supposed to feel pain when it hurts. The fear of death is the seed of survival. It has been this way since time immemorial. Ever since the first amoeba started moving away from trouble, and the billionth bacteria started moving towards the sun. Of course it feels fucked up during a mass extinction event, I should really know better. Including rebirths, this is my fifth mass extinction. But it smarts every time.

As Krishna the charioteer told Prince Arjuna, “For, of one that is born, death is certain; and of one that is dead, birth is certain. Therefore it behoveth thee not to mourn in a matter that is unavoidable. All beings (before birth) were unmanifest. Only during an interval (between birth and death), O Bharata, are they manifest; and then again, when death

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indi.ca

Indrajit (Indi) Samarajiva is a Sri Lankan writer. Follow me at www.indi.ca, or just email me at indi@indi.ca.